#but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll

[nomaishuttle]

its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.

[brooooswriting]

Could you please write Leighton giving r some lessons in math cause r is terrible but needs to pass the course

R going with leighton to shop different things

Progressing to a relationship

You can do whatever you desire with this 😅

Tutors to lovers

Every day, your parents showed that they knew nothing about you. You didn't wanna go to Essex, and you definitely didn't wanna take advanced math, but they made sure that it was impossible for you to get out of it. Their demands on you were crazy; a 3.7 GPA was what they called terrible. And with your current understanding of advanced math? You were so fucked, and the person sitting next to you thought the same thing.

“Psst, look. You gotta divide this by 4, and then you have to calculate its root. Then you have 6 as the value of on x.” Leighton whispered to you, hoping to help you understand what the teacher was doing at the front. But the way you looked at her so helplessly and confused made her laugh louder than she intended to.

After class, you quickly stopped the blonde before she could walk out. “Leighton, hey. Thank you for trying to help me. Can I buy you a coffee as a thanks?” you asked with a small smile. She looked at you for a second before nodding. “Alright, then follow me” you walked out and towards sips, making small talk on the way there.

“After you,” you mumbled as you opened the door to the coffee shop for her. She thanked you and walked in, looking around the place. “What? Have you never been here before?” you asked with a small laugh, signaling that you were joking.

She looked at you for a moment before scrunching up her nose a bit and shaking her head. “No, never been. Not the biggest fan of cheap coffee and of whatever it smells like in here.” You grinned slightly as you walked toward the counter, your wallet already in hand.

“Yeah, well, I would have taken you to a more fancy place, but we both have another class in 20 minutes, and a good coffee is like 15 minutes away.” Leighton nodded, an understanding look on her face as you stepped up to the counter. After she told you what she wants to drink, you turn towards the counter again. “Oh, hey, Kimberly. How are you? Can I get two iced lattes and two blueberry muffins?”

“Y/n, it's so great to see you. I'm fine, thank you. How are you?” you talked for a bit while you paid, and she made your coffee, the blonde only standing behind you. “Alright, here you are. Have a great day, see you later Leighton” Both of you said goodbye before sitting on a park bank outside.

“So, can I ask you something?” Leighton asked as you played with her straw. You nodded, waiting for her to ask as you watched people walk by. “Why are you taking advanced math? Not to be rude, but you suck at it”

You laughed slightly before taking a deep breath. “Well, my father took it, my mother took it and my sister at Harvard is taking it. So, even if I suck at it and hate it, I have to take it too. But it seems like I’m failing it” you explained, looking at her for a second before continuing, “unlessssss someone would be willing to tutor me.” The grin you sent her made her smile while looking down at the bench to hide her slight blush.

“You know what, fine. Why not. Come by my dorm tomorrow at 5 ok?” The blonde didn’t even wait for an answer before she walked off, joining Bella on her way to the next class.

The next day you arrived at her dorm at 5 pm sharp, being greeted by Kimberly and Whitney who sat in their common room. “Hey y/n, Leighton is still in her room” Kimberly started but was quickly interrupted.

“Oh my god Bella” leighton screamed from inside their room, “can’t you just fuck him anywhere else? Jeez, i have a tutoring lesson in here”

“This isn’t just your room Leighton. This is our room and it’s made for sleeping” Bella argued back making you girls in the living room giggle.

“Dude, that’s so fucked from you. Keep away from my bed! If one thing is out of place later you’re in trouble!” The three of you stopped giggling as Leighton stormed out of the door, nearly running into you. “Y/n, let’s go. We gonna go to the library or some shit because somebody is being intolerable” she screamed the last part making you laugh.

“Alright, come on. You gotta calm down” you pulled Leighton out of the room, saying goodbye to the rest of her dorm mates. You went into the library where you sat down, and minutes later you were desperate for it to stop.

“Y/n, cmon. You gotta concentrate dude, it’s not that hard” the blonde complained as she went over the same exercise again and again.

“It may not be hard for you blondie, but I’m dying over here. I would even fail basic math class, there is no way I’ll ever pass this shit” you whimpered out, letting your head hit the table. Normally, stupid and dramatic behavior like this would have annoyed the shit out of her but when you did it? Well it was kinda cute.

“Ok, let’s start new ok? We will start at zero and once you’re at one we will get something to eat?” At the word ‘eat’ you immediately perked up, sitting straighter to find new concentration.

It took over an hour for you to get to at least one but Leighton was sure that the hardest work was now done. Or at least she hoped. “So, cafeteria?” You asked as you stuffed all your books into your bag. You received a nod and took off, happy to finally get some food.

Since your first lesson Leighton helped you during class and like two times a week for an hour to four, depending on how fucked you were. And finally, you went from an E to a c- and you were getting even better. The connection between you and Leighton also got better from time to time, creating a strong and unexpected bond.

‘If I have to listen to any of my roommates even one more second, I’m going to kill all of them and then myself”

You couldn’t help but giggle at Leighton text, parents weekend was coming up again and it made her more nervous every day. And while she, even if she won’t admit, actually loved her roommates their chattiness and stuff could get to her.

‘Be outside your dorm in 2’

You texted back, quickly putting on your shoes and jacket before grabbing your wallet and car keys. In the matter of minutes you stood in front of a perfectly styled blonde who wore an annoyed look until she saw you. It was quickly being replaced with a smile as she walked toward you. “So, why’d you want me to be here?” She asked with a giddy voice, as she couldn’t wait to hear what you planned.

“Let’s go to my car and then I’ll tell you” you lead her to your jeep outside of the campus. “My lady” you grinned as you opened the door for her and stretched out your hand to help her inside.

“Thank you very much, such a gentleman. Sooo where are we going?” She studied your face as you pulled out of the parking lot.

“We are going to do something that relaxes you like nothing else”

“What?” She asked, quite confused.

“We are going shopping” you grinned as you drove on to the highway, “but we might have to drive like an hour or something, there’s nothing close that has your standards” her jaw fell as you stopped talking. She couldnt believe that you actually knew where she liked to shop and that you were just out here driving her there.

“You’re kidding right?” She asked, a squeal leaving her when she figured out that you were telling the truth. “That’s so sweet, thank you”

After over an hour of comfortable driving you finally parked your car near her favorite shops. “Alright princess, let’s go” you grinned as you opened the passenger door, your hand stretched out to help her out. “Where to first?”

Your first shop was YSL which leighton already left with two begs. Or rather you as you immediately took the bags so she could look around in the next shop which was Balenciaga and then Prada, Givenchy, Versace, Dior, Louis Vuitton, and Tom Ford.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to carry anything?” The blonde asked as she could barely see you underneath all the bags you carried for her. At least one of each brand, or rather at least two of each brand. She couldn’t deny that it was extremely cute, the way you did all of this for her.

“Positive. Are you sure you don’t wanna go anywhere else anymore?” You asked as she walked back to the car. If you were really quiet you could hear her credit card scream.

“Yeah, but maybe we could go and eat something at a real restaurant?”

“Sure, what did you have in mind?” You asked while putting the bags in the trunk, the blonde standing next to you. After she found a restaurant she liked you made your way there, even from the outside you could see that it was really fancy. “Are you sure I can go inside like this?” You weren’t dressed badly but definitely not as expensive as her which made you unsure of your outfit.

“Of course, you look good” the smile she sent you made your heart beat faster and your face flush a little red. “Now Let’s go, I’m starving” she was out of the car in the matter of seconds, waiting for you to join her. Once you left the car you walked next to each other, your hands constantly brushing against the other ones. You had heard that Leighton was not a big pda fan so you guessed that it was an accident. But you didn’t pull away in case of this being on purpose.

After you guys ate it was already late and the eventful day was catching up to her as she fell asleep in the car. You smiled at the sight, she looked a lot calmer than most of the time and you couldn’t see one bit of the stress from this morning. When you had to stop on a red light you retrieved your jacket from the backseat and put it over her to act like a blanket.

You carefully tapped her shoulder to wake her up which didn’t work. “Leighton, we are here. Cmon, wake up” you whispered and shook her shoulder.

“M awake” she grumbled as her eyes slowly opened.

“Good, take the time that I need to get your backs to wake up okay?” She gave you a small nod before you disappeared, wondering how you carried all those bags before. After you finally got each and every bag on you, you walked back to the passenger seat where Leighton was finally awake.

“Alright, let’s go” she jumped out of the car, your jacket now over her shoulders and her pinky linked with yours as she pulled you along to her dorm. “You can just put them down over there” she told you as she pointed to the corner next to her closet. “Thank you, a lot. The last days were really stressful and today made me forget about it” you smiled at her, taking a step forward.

“It was my pleasure. Weirdly, I can’t think of anything better than carrying your bags for you” she giggles shyly and also takes a step toward you. Your hand gravitates towards her waist while hers carefully rests on your shoulder. You leaned in further, your lips slightly touching as your hand tightened around her waist. But before you could do anything else, Bella came in.

“Leighton! Guess what” she started to scream out, making you pull away quickly. Your hands left her waist and were immediately pushed into your pockets. “Oh my god, did I just cockblock you?” The dark haired girl screamed even louder making both of you cringe.

“No, no you didn’t. I gotta go, I have class really early tomorrow. Thanks again Leigh and I’ll see you around Bella” you quickly left the room without looking back but you could still feel the blondes nerves.

You decided that you’d talk to her tomorrow, it was late and she probably had to listen to Bella ramble about whatever was going on. So tomorrow just seemed like the safer option, at least until it was later the next day and you still haven’t seen her. It was Friday which meant that you didn’t have a course with her and you were extremely busy. But as you were scared that she might think that you were trying to avoid her.

“Sad I didn’t see you today. Sorry I left so quickly, but I couldn’t stay after Bella said whatever she said. Can’t wait to see you again :)”

You took a deep breath before hitting send. By now you were scarred that she might be avoiding you and that she was actually very unhappy about the kiss. What you didn’t know was that Leightons heart started to beat faster when she saw your name pop up on her screen. She was scared of what might now be between you two after you left so suddenly.

“Whose text are you smiling at like that?” Whitney asked as they all sat in the common room. While she did try to annoy her roommate she was more than happy to see her friend like this.

“None of your business” she grumbled, her smile still being very apparent.

“Oh, I bet it’s y/n” Kimberly shyly added. She was good with Leighton but she sometimes still scared her.

“Gosh, they would be a hot ass couple. Y/n’s hot. Damn you’re a lucky lady” Bella said, slapping her hand on the blondes leg which made her glare at her.

“Remember how I said none of your business?” They all laughed as she returned to her phone.

“Get that, wished I could have left too. I thought you were avoiding me. I’ll see you tomorrow right? Are u bringing ur parents to math too?”

You immediately opened the chat, not giving a damn about seeming needy.

“Ofc, that’s the only reason they’re coming. Couldn’t dream of avoiding u, wanna meet up before math tomorrow?”

After you talked about when and where you’d meet tomorrow you texted her goodnight and went to sleep, your mind filled with pictures of the blonde.

The next morning you were up way too early but when your parents came you had to get ready a lot more than normally. “There you are y/n” your mother called out as she walked up to you with open arms, a fake smile on her face. You hugged all of them as a greeting before standing opposite of them.

“Alright, we will go to that parents thing and then we will come to your math class ok?” Your father didn’t wait for an answer as they walked away making you sigh. You, just as many others, were more than happy about this parents thing today. It gave you some peace and quiet.

Leighton was waiting for you in front of the lecture room, the new bag she bought with you slung over her shoulder. “Hey” you smiled shyly as walked up to her, her face adorned with a similar one.

“Hello” she looked around before continuing to talk, “I am so happy about this parent meeting. I was about to kill myself” you laughed nodding.

“You’re telling that to me? My parents asked about this course before asking about me. And I wish I were joking” both of you laughed before just staring at each other for a moment. In a moment of confidence the blonde pulled you into the empty room, she smiled brightly as she noticed that you happily followed.

The moment the door closed, your hands were on her hips and hers were cupping the back of your neck. You didn’t need any words before your lips crashed against each other, her scent developing you whole. Without breaking the kiss you guided her against the wall, her back making harsh contact with it. “Sorry” you mumbled when she gasped, barely breaking the kiss. You kept making out until the blondes phone started to ring.

“Let it ring” she mumbled when she noticed that you were pulling away. You laughed and tried to pull away again but she kept pulling you closer or chasing your lips.

“Leigh, I’d love to keep making out. Trust me. But our parents are gonna come soon and if I had to guess I’d say that this is your dad” you explained as you pulled away, your hands rubbing along her hips. She groaned before looking at her phone, seeing that you were right. With another groan she answered the phone, the arm around your neck keeping you close. Since you got bored when she was on the phone, you started to lightly kiss her neck up and down.

She bit her lip to stop her giggles, but she didn’t push you away. Instead she pulled you even closer, just waiting to hang up. When she finally did, she gave you a quick kiss. “My parents will be here in 10 minutes” she told you, her fingers playing with the baby hair on the back of your neck.

“Then we should probably fix your makeup and my hair huh?” You asked as one of your hands ran through your hair. When you received a nod you opened your hand for her to give you her pocket mirror so she could see what she was doing.

“You’re a great mirror holder babe” she joked when she was done freshening up her makeup and then fixed your hair for you.

“Babe?” You grinned watching her face fall and her confidence suddenly replaced with doubt.

“I mean- yeah, we are- I thought” you decided to interrupt her as her behavior freaked you out. A not confident Leighton was a new world.

“You thought right, I was just messing with you. Cmere” you pulled her closer for another kiss, that quickly turned into multiple small pecks.

“Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N” your mothers voice suddenly rang.

Gosh, you were fucked.

[donnerpartyofone]

This has been a really hard one to talk about. I'm always very ambivalent about mourning celebrities. I try to remember that I don't know these people, that what is really mourned by most of us is the person's ongoing work, which in the best cases has helped us understand ourselves and the world in which we live. Unavoidably, though, you can start to develop the sense that you know these people personally, which isn't true or even appropriate necessarily, I mean you have no idea whether you would even like someone you've only seen on a screen or received an autograph from; but at the same time, I don't know if you can really force yourself not to feel like the deceased celebrity is a dear friend you will never get to talk to again (the last time I tried and failed was the passing of Lux Interior). Maybe this is more forgivable, and also more inevitable, if you feel like you grew up with the person.

Of course this is all about ME now, but my mother (who also died from cancer) was an extremely hip, brilliant, funny individual who for whatever reason refused to form a relationship with me. This was pretty strange, because we liked a lot of the same things--B movies, old comics, all types of camp and kitsch--but when I liked those things, it was in poor taste and punishable by exile, whereas when she liked those things, it was evidence of her cultural genius. Before I make anybody too mad I should say that I'm being a little bit unfairly reductive just so I can get to the point, which is that one of the few things we could share was Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I didn't know anything about the show's more adult origins or the fact that Paul Reubens was sort of a performance artist, but I didn't have to. Pee-Wee's Playhouse was a feast for any child's senses: stylish, hilarious, and on some subliminal level, really sophisticated. I was clued into some of what was going on just because I watched it with my mom, who always laughed at Pee-Wee's winks and nudges to the hep parents in the audience. The show might have been my first encounter with the kind of anthropological humor favored by people like David Byrne and Laurie Anderson, artists who engage subversively with cliches, stereotypes, and other memetic parts of popular culture. In Pee-Wee's Playhouse, with its sharp, edgy cast and crew, kids like me were getting into fine art without even knowing it--which is possibly the best way to learn about art anyway.

In fact, on the other side of our house, I became obsessed with Gary Panter's incredible punk opus Jimbo In Paradise, a Dantesque comic book about an innocent young guy living in a dystopian future, where he is occasionally joined by guest stars such as Nancy and Hedorah. I was about 7 when I started reading Jimbo over and over again even though I could barely understand it, and I had no idea that Gary had pretty much designed Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I'm speaking about him so familiarly because I got to know him a little bit as a grownup. I remember Gary talking about how private Paul Reubens could be. He used to do this thing where he would accept a dinner invitation from anybody who asked, as sort of a stunt, but he had to stop doing it because people became so intrusive and entitled with him. Gary said that they'd be walking around in New York and when they saw an obvious Pee-Wee fan gearing up for an offensive, Paul Reubens would sort of transform into this totally different person, putting out an aura that let you know not to fuck with him. It's crazy-making to think that someone who was so protective of the boundary between his private and public selves had to suffer that ridiculous arrest, but it's heartening that most of society eventually grew the fuck up and forgot about it. It's also helpful to remember when he turned up later on the MTV Music Video Awards and started off by asking the audience, "HEARD ANY GOOD JOKES LATELY??"

I'm glad we got one more Pee-Wee special in the past several years, but I always wished that we would see Paul Reubens in more movies. He was such a cool actor, funny, convincing, and naturally charismatic. While people are cycling through their favorite roles of his, I want to point out that he had a great role on a recent HBO miniseries called Mosaic, an intense, engrossing crime drama that I definitely recommend if you have access. Maybe I'll rewatch it, too. In closing, here's a great story that I grabbed from Facebook that should warm everybody's heart, along with the heartbreaking statement (inappropriately cropped by Instagram of course) released upon the death of the very private Pee-Wee Herman. It makes you wish you could thank him in person, for everything. The best we can do is just remember him.

[lemonmaid]

I'm liking having a mental breakdown and stuffing my fatass with popeyes anyways here is...

Chick Flicks that I think the Dorm Leaders have a guilty pleasure for.

Do to that this a different world everything that is popular reference is going to be different! I don't think TWST world has guns or bombs?? So Legally Blonds JFK reference could refer to a King in Port o' Bliss (since Sam is from there, which is a reference to New Orleans). Heather's reference to the Vietnam War could be an overbolt war between kingdoms (obviously for the very very wrong reasons) and JD could've overbolted and Veronica had to kill him.

And I think TWST do have its own fairytale, Enchanted is one of them like "omg what if magic doesn't exists and someone from our world goes there!"

Riddle Rosehearts : Legally Blonde

I feel like he was forced to 'catch up' on pop culture, Cater showed him ( this world's equivalent movie). Out of all the movies he was shown, he liked this one the most.

"So what what's you're favorite part?"

"I loved the fact she proved to everyone that she wasn't a bimbo. Like, seriously? Fashion merchandising is a business school, she wasn't taken seriously because of her greek fraternity? I'm sorry that pink is "too girly" to be taken seriously".

Leona Kingscholar : Heather's

He only watched it because he crashed moive night at Ramshackle. He actually stayed awake for the musical.

"I didn't take you for someone who liked musicals"

"I don't but this moive was enjoyable. You're not supposed to cheer for the cast but to see their flaws which I understand wanting to fit in"

"So you wanna see the live performance?"

"This is on Broadway?".

Azul Ashengrotto : Mean Girls

Azul wanted more guest to come into the lounge so he opened a moive night, Mean Girls was a popular request so popular it is played every Wednesday.

"You know what Azul, you remind me of the mean girls group"

"How so?"

"Well, you're not a fashion statement but you, Jada, and Floyd are kinda of the "It" group. As in "don't fuck with us".

Kalim Al-Asim : Enchanted

Kalim has forced everyone who befriends him to watch this movie, he is obsessed with this type of romance, the very naive and the smitten serious type.

"Oh Yuu! My favorite scene is obviously the dancing in the city!"

"Aww that's so cute Kalim!"

"Yeah! I love this moive! My parents funded the company to make a second one!"

"Oh... Kalim that's .. precious"

Vil Schoenheit : Crazy Rich Asains

This is definitely Vil's favorite moive, like, we've both cried to it. Because for real best romance movie in decades.

"Vil why are you crying?"

"Shut up, you're crying too! I wished I had someone who didn't care about my appearance or my background. I wish I had someone who stood by my side untill the curtain fell"

"STOPPPP YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY MORE".

Idia Shroud : A Slient Voice

I couldn't think of a live-action Idia would genuinely liked, but this counts. Anyways, we had to show him this movie.

"Idia STOP CRYING ON ME!"

"but he... and she....AHHH"

"You know this is rumored to be based off a true story but the guy actually died"

"ahhHHHHHH"

Malleus Draconia : Twilight

You wanted to try and binge watch this entire franchise with the gang one night for a goof, you happened to see Malleus outside and invited him to watch with the gang. To say he was very very interested in this series was a understatement.

"Child of man, explain to me this. Why is she choose the guy who wants nothing to do with her but stalks her?"

"Malleus, I couldn't tell you but don't be an obsessive dick who tries to have an off and on relationship. That's toxic".

"I think I see, but can you explain why the grown man imprints on a literal baby?"

"I cannot tell you".

[rustingcat]

Control

Lena's life was a series of the most extreme and random events. She wasn't sure if her being magic was part of it or the cause, but her life was, simply put, ridiculous.

Death, losing connections, friendships and relationships, manipulation, backstabbing, death threats, assassination attempts, kidnapping were all just some of the things she has experienced in her recent years alone, more than enough to make any sane person go crazy. She’s seen what crazy does to people, the destructive consequences of her family, her blood, and did what she could to avoid it, to keep herself afloat.

She tried to grasp whatever control she did get with both hands, using it as her way to sooth her soul when everything fell apart. She wondered if that was one of the reasons she felt compelled to take over the family company, deciding to dive right into the heart of the chaos to gain some hint of control over it. Her job was a major part in her life in which she held some control; as the boss she could dictate the direction of the company, she answered to no one (save for the board), and most importantly she could choose whenever to stop working. She could control the kind of food she put in her mouth, what to watch on TV, control the people she let into her life, her scientific knowledge gave her some control on her work, and her decision not to use her magic until she felt she grasped enough of its understanding gave her some comfort.

Yet, for every aspect of her life she had control over, Kara was always the exception to her rules. Breaking down every wall and defense mechanism, turning her life upside down, and the recent event proved it more than ever. Somehow every time she felt she had some hold on reality, the universe was keen to prove her wrong.

"Kara, I know you said that Kryptonian sex developed later than humans, but is it possible that one fetus developed faster than the other?" Lena asked after studying the live ultrasound footage on the monitor. Nia and Brainy's little girl seemed to be developing perfectly, at least that gave her some comfort.

"I don't think so? I can contact my father if needed, but what seems to be the problem?" Kara put her baby development book she'd been reading down and walked towards Lena.

"Well, after studying this ultrasound for quite a while, it seems like we have one fetus who developed male sex organs, while the other didn't." She did her best to keep her voice controlled and leveled. There was no actual reason to panic. Yet.

"Then we're having a boy and a girl! Lena, that's great news!" Kara said excitingly, raising her hands up to emphasise it.

"Kara, they are identical twins!"

"Oh, that I do know. It has to do with the chromosome distribution of the machine. Sex assignment is usually controlled by the parents, it is distributed individually after the process has begun. So it's given randomly to every child." Kara explained.

"So our identical twins are gonna be born with different organs?"

"Essentially, yes."

Kara really took the news far better than her. She wasn't sure how Kara wasn't phased by those surprises like she was. Kara led a life just as random and tragic, probably more, so by all accounts she should be just as disturbed. Then again, maybe she was simply better at repressing, Lena really couldn't tell.

Although thinking about it, Kara had been acting slightly different recently, even before the sex reveal. Lena couldn't put the finger on it, but she had her suspicions. She was more affectionate, more touchy. Not that Lena was complaining, she was eager to take any opportunity to be closer to her best friend. Lena couldn't help but wonder at the sudden change. Was the affection part a natural development in their relationship, or the most likely conclusion, had something to do with their project. They are going to become a family in the very near future, that by itself is enough to change the whole dynamic. A dynamic that is very likely to change regardless once the twins would come into their lives.

Lena suspected – despite her initial reservations – that Kara’s new affection has to do with a new romantic aspect, or something similar at the very least. The lingering touches, the crimson blushes that seemed to have coloured her face more often than before. True, a relationship with Kara was something she was hoping for for months, years if she was completely honest with herself, but the potential of a heartbreak might be too much for her to handle, especially if there are kids involved.

Was that the reason? Could it be a surge of emotions triggered by the idea of shared parenting that was wrongly interpreted as romantic attraction? Or was it something else? Fear perhaps? It is known to be a great motivator. Could Kara be fearing their shared partnership might be broken had Lena found a new romantic partner and instinctively started to develop something to keep their partnership at bay? Or perhaps she was reading it all wrong and Kara's new nervousness and touches were simply excitement and anxiety for their upcoming responsibilities.

Lena breathed out a long sigh, the whole thing was a lot to handle and she was already dealing with a lot.

"You okay?" Kara turned her head to her from the stop on the couch where they were snuggled together.

"Yeah," she flashed her a small smile.

"Then why aren't you watching the movie?" Kara fixed her with a knowing smirk

"Just thinking," she pretended to roll her eyes with irritation, but her smile gave her away.

Lena learned she couldn't control her emotions, she tried. She put them in little boxes for years to avoid and suppress them, so she wouldn't have to deal with them. She learned first hand how impossible and destructive it was.

"Well, your brain is very smart," Kara nodded. "Is this 'thinking' you're doing part of maintaining its smartness levels?"

"Of course, it's part of my daily routine." Lena said seriously, glad Kara wasn't pushing her to talk.

"I bet it would be even smarter afterwards." Kara pushed a stray hair off of her face.

"Oh, I wouldn't count on that."

"I would."

She wasn't sure when Kara got so close to her, but the distance between them was almost completely gone. Their conversation lowered to mere whispers. It was Kara, eyes half lidded, leaning in that broke her out of the haze.

Lena couldn't control her emotions, but she could control her actions at the very least. She could make sure to put herself in a position she was still in control of. Not let herself give in to temptations and dive into the unknown.

"I think I might retire for the night," Lena cleared her throat. "I'm more tired than I thought." She stood up before Kara could react.

She felt a cold shiver run through her body, and she had a feeling it was not because she stepped out of their blanket nest too quickly. Closing the door behind her didn't feel like the familiar safe space she hoped it to be, a distant voice at the back of her mind telling her that she left that one behind on the couch.

She stood there motionless in her room far longer than she realised.

Yes, Lena could still have some control. Although she wasn't sure about the cost anymore.

[allmoshnobrain]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 20 of ? | masterpost

word count: 2235 | ao3 link | fic's playlist

Of course, I knew Dave's reaction to seeing the album wouldn't be great, but somehow, I always ended up trying to convince myself that he would handle it more calmly. I should have known that Dave Mustaine's anger and resentment would be anything but calm.

✦ summary: After coming back to Los Angeles, Nore has to deal with Dave's reaction when he gets to know about Metallica's new album.

✦ on this chapter: NSFW!!!, dave mustaine x female!oc, oc is cliff's cousin, +18, language, slice of life, angry sex, (light) spanking, jealousy, angst

✦ a/n: I'm back! First of all, I would just like to say I'm really sorry it took me this long to post a new part. My life's been crazy busy and I was a bit burned out from writing, so I just had to take a break for a bit. But I took a few weeks to rest and now I'm ready to keep writing the story :) I hope you guys like this new chapter! The dynamics in Dave and Nore's relationship are starting to get a little more complicated, and we'll see how this plays out soon. Feedback is welcome! ❤

I rolled back into Los Angeles the next morning. Having a motorcycle as a birthday gift from my parents sure had its perks, like getting around town without suffering the rickety old buses. The ride from San Francisco to LA was a trek, and it got me thinking about those not-so-distant days when Cliff would cruise from San Francisco to Long Beach just to hang out with me.

Man, I was already starting to miss him.

Los Angeles was its usual chaotic self, just like I'd left it the day before. But coming back after my San Francisco escapade was a whole different deal. I couldn't help but wonder if the concert and everything that went down afterward had stirred up a whole lot more in me than I was ready to admit.

Dave wasn’t in when I got to our apartment, so I dropped my bag and the presents on the couch and hit the shower to unwind after that exhausting trip. As I was getting dressed, I heard the familiar jingle of keys at the door, letting me know he had just arrived home .

It was kind of unusual for him not to swing by and say hi right away, but it didn't take me long to figure out why. After I got dressed, I headed into the living room and there he was, looking at the new addition to my vinyl collection with a frown.

"Dave...?" I said, nervously. I wasn't entirely sure how he'd react to the sight of the new Metallica record. I probably should've thought about it before leaving it lying on the couch, but I was so beat from the trip that it didn't even cross my mind that he might not be thrilled with my gift.

He looked up at me, and I could tell he was torn between anguish and something tougher that made me swallow hard.

"I had no clue they dropped the album," he commented, expressionless. Somehow, his effort to act like it wasn't a big deal just seemed to make it worse, the tension in the room growing like a bubble about to burst.

"It was a gift," I mumbled softly. He snorted, arching an eyebrow, and I felt my face turn beet red. My voice wavered, "I didn't know they had released it either; they told me just recently. It's just that..."

"Did you know they used my music in this crap?" he growled. I blinked in surprise.

"What?"

"Jump in the Fire? Metal Militia? Phantom Lord?" he snapped, shaking the vinyl's booklet in my direction, seeming on the verge of blowing a gasket. "I helped write all this shit. And they didn’t even credit me! I told them not to use my stuff. I fucking told them!" 

I opened my mouth in surprise, my heart clenching with anguish and anger. That was just wrong. Dave had confided in me how he'd asked the guys not to use any of his songs or solos. I didn't know what was worse, them ignoring his wishes or not even bothering to inform us.

"Dave, I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this," I murmured, stepping closer and placing a hand on his arm. He looked at me, his gaze softening ever so slightly.

"It's alright," he muttered, though his voice still carried a trace of annoyance. He wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling into the curve of my neck and giving me a tight hug. "It's okay. It's not your fault if they used you to get to me."

I furrowed my brow, my body tensing at his words. I pulled away slightly, locking eyes with him.

"Dave... I don't think that's what happened."

He arched an eyebrow at my words, and I pulled back slightly when I detected a flash of hurt in his eyes, though it quickly turned into a cold, almost icy expression. It was evident that he was hurt, but it wasn't just that; having his songs used without his permission had pushed him over the edge. He was seething with anger.

"You're being too naive," he said in a low, chilling voice I hadn't heard from him before. I swallowed hard, feeling my heart race uncomfortably in my chest.

"Dave, it's Cliff. He wouldn't do that..."

"They used my fucking songs!" he snarled, his voice growing louder. I took a step back, and he exhaled deeply, now visibly angry. "You're fooling yourself. Do you think they're nice guys? They didn't care about me, so why would they care about you now?"

"It's not like that..."

"Of course, it's like that," he laughed, a bitter and painful laugh that made me flinch. "You don't realize, do you? They don't think I'm good enough, but you are! I bet Cliff would be thrilled if we broke up now. Have you ever thought about that?"

“But I don’t want to break up with you,” I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes. This was going much, much worse than I had expected. Of course, I knew Dave's reaction to seeing the album wouldn't be great, but somehow, I always ended up trying to convince myself that he would handle it more calmly.

I should have known that Dave Mustaine's anger and resentment would be anything but calm.

"This isn't about what you want, it's about what you do! Why did you have to bring this here?" he shouted. His voice held more distress than anger, and it pained me. Beyond the pain of our argument, I couldn't bear to see him like this and know it was my fault. I could have avoided all of this if I hadn't been blinded by my own happiness in seeing my friends again, in seeing a glimpse of the happiness we used to have together. "Why do you have to keep hanging out with them? Don't I matter to you? Don't you care about me?"

"You're getting it all wrong," my voice quivered as I fought back my tears. "You can't say these things, Dave, you're hurting me!"

"Well, what about me? Can't you see you're hurting me too?"

"I thought I told you not to make me choose."

"I'm not making you choose! "

"Yes, you are! I asked you to trust me..."

"I do trust you, damn it! I love you!"

"Then act like you love me!" I shouted. I gasped in shock as he swiftly closed the distance between us, pulling me close to his body furiously, and kissed me, his tongue invading my mouth with a fervor I'd never felt before. I moaned into his kiss, my legs going weak as I clung to his arms. His embrace tightened around my waist, his other hand gripping the base of my neck just enough to leave me breathless. 

"If you want me to prove that I love you, then I'm gonna prove it now," he growled, anger smoldering in his eyes like poison. I pulled him into another kiss, my body burning like wildfire as he undressed me and we stumbled towards the bedroom.

"Is this what you wanted all along?" I mumbled, my lingering frustration from our argument making me bolder as I hastily removed his shirt, his lips seeking mine in a desperate hunger. 

"Don't test me, Burton," he snarled. I let out a surprised gasp as he spun me around, firmly placing me on my knees at the edge of the bed. One of his arms held my waist, pressing my back against his chest, while the other hand gripped the nape of my neck, his lips and tongue aggressively exploring my soft skin.

“D… Dave…” I closed my eyes, a muffled moan escaping my lips as his hand on my waist moved down to the wetness between my legs, his fingers penetrating me without warning and curling inside me. He rumbled against my skin, holding me closer to him, his lips gliding up my neck until they reached my ear.

"Do you want me to stop?" he whispered, a hint of concern evident in his voice despite his tension. I shook my head “no”, pressing myself against him, and he chuckled softly before pulling my waist tightly against his own, pushing my shoulder until I was on all fours on the bed. I moaned softly as he caressed my ass slowly before giving me a slap that made my skin crawl all over, pain and pleasure mixed together as tears gathered in my eyes. He grunted quietly, seeming pleased with my reaction. “Do you like that? Answer me. ”

“Y… Yeah… Ah! ” I flinched when he slapped me again, and he laughed. I felt my heart speed up when I heard him take off his pants and felt him climb onto the bed, his hands slowly caressing my waist.

“You look so pretty like this,” he murmured, his fingers penetrating me again and moving inside me. I moaned softly, my skin still tingling with the pain of his spanking, contrasting with the increasing pleasure that the movement of his fingers made me feel.

I moaned as he pressed his cock against me, my clenched fists gripping the bed sheet tightly as he entered me slowly. Dave let out a low moan, holding my waist tightly as he began to move. I closed my eyes, reduced to a mess of muffled moans as I felt him move, pushing deeper and deeper, making my whole body shake with pleasure. Right then, I knew he was taking out all his frustration and anger on me — and I loved every second of it.

"You're mine," he rumbled, his voice low. He drew me in closer, guiding me up again as he pressed my back against his chest, still holding my waist with one hand as he thrust faster and faster inside me, his lips eagerly seeking mine. I moaned into his kiss when his tongue invaded my mouth, taking one of my hands to my clit, massaging it in circles while burying my other hand in his hair. He brought his other hand up to my face, pulling away slightly and tracing the outline of my lip with his thumb as he looked into my eyes, his lips parted and his eyes out of focus as he lost himself in pleasure. “You’re mine,” he murmured, feverishly, his hips moving faster and faster, hitting all the sweetest spots inside me. I shuddered, moaning loudly as I felt my body contract, our peaks approaching together. “You’re mine, Nore. Mine.”

“Ah… D-Dave!” I closed my eyes, letting him press me against his body as my orgasm swept through me in a shock wave that made me contract all over. He groaned, burying his face in the crook of my neck as he came with me, his movements becoming sloppy as his seed filled me.

I sighed, shakily, as he pulled out of me. I laid face down on the bed, letting out a groan into the pillow. He gently pushed my hair aside, planting a soft kiss on my shoulder before settling down beside me.

"Is everything alright?" he inquired in a hushed tone while his fingers gently traced my cheek. I opened my eyes and gazed into his concerned expression, mustering a faint smile.

"Everything's fine," I mumbled, reaching my hand up to his face. He furrowed his brows, suddenly recoiling as he seized my wrist.

"Who did this to you?" he asked, his voice tensing, his eyes locking onto my knuckles. I blinked in surprise. In the heat of the moment, I had forgotten momentarily that my hand was still a little swollen, the skin turning a soft shade of purple as the bruises from the previous day's punch began to appear.

"It wasn't a big deal, Dave," I said, and he gave me an incredulous look. I blinked, feeling my face flush. "Just some jerk who tried to hassle me after the gig yesterday. So, I gave him a punch."

"You did what?" he asked, sounding genuinely shocked. I chuckled softly, but Dave frowned, concerned, as if he didn't quite buy my reaction. "Nore, this is serious! Did he do something to you?"

"Dave, it's alright... Cliff helped me." I stretched the truth a bit. I didn't want to bring up James' help, not after Dave and I had our spat about the album. Especially not after recalling last night in the kitchen and the way James had held my hand, his eyes locking onto mine for just a fleeting moment before Leanne and Cliff interrupted us.

“You go out solo once, and this is what happens?” Dave grumbled, and I chuckled as I cradled his face in my hands. He sighed before drawing me nearer, planting a slow kiss on my lips. I sighed happily, feeling myself melt into the warmth of his kiss as I nestled in his embrace. He pulled back, gently gripping my chin. “I'm sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have been so mean to you.”

"It's okay, Dave," I murmured, softly. "But you've got to trust me. I'm with you because I love you." 

"I know. I'm sorry," he replied, his voice gentle, burying his face in my chest and pulling me into a tight hug. "You're mine," he whispered, his arms embracing me as if he needed to reassure himself that what he said was true. "Everything's alright. You're mine."

[cowboy-robooty]

Robooty Reviews: Oni To Tengoku (8.9/10) ROBOOTY PERSONAL FAVORITE

(in my heart its a 10/10)

Atsurou Aoki is an english teacher who has some mad fuckin self esteem issues. hes our beautiful pathetic man protag and he ends up tangled up in a relationship of sorts with the school nurse, Manabu Tengoku. Its a dry premise and honestly the first volume requires you to sludge through a lot of average yaoi evil shit but please please please im begging you endure okay. i have been an oni to tengoku-er since 2019 and ive been following the development of the sequel (oni to tengoku sai) and the (now third) sequel (oni to tengoku kyuu) of this series and GOD. ILL BE REAL IM A MANIAC AND PROBABLY GOT A LOT MORE OUT OF THIS SERIES THAN THE AUTHOR INTENDED AT ALL BUT IDGAF PLEASE READ IT PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE SAME ENLIGHTENING AS ME. READ MORE HAS SPOILERS BE WARNED (PART 1 CUZ OF TUMBLR IMAGE LIMIT)

this will be a little different than usual because i have a whole lot to say about aoki and tengoku. Really, a lot of this will be just talking about how and why i like their relationship so if you end up liking this you should most definately read the full manga to experience it for yourself

Despite all the fuckin bullshit of the first volume, the manga is really fucking good at interweving in its core themes and setting up the psychological basis of Aoki. Aoki was abused by his mother as a child, but i think the depiction of abuse is really realistic because even though she whittles down his self esteem and makes him feel worthless she hugs him afterwards and still is motherly towards him, this aoki doesnt hate his mother and fully cut her off per say but she is a demon to him. its pretty realistic imo where parents can do awful things but they buy you a donut and then its like ermm well.. they bought me a donut and do this in my best interest so its okay. Aoki is fucked in the head though. because he doesnt feel like he can be loved deep down and his entire career path is something he chose only because it was expected of him by his family (and his entire life is grasping at straws in an attempt to not disappoint people)

he wants more than anything to just not be an embarassment and be "worthy" of being loved. I like how this is depicted because again it feels more realistic in that he isnt outwardly a freak about it or anything he doesnt have breakdowns in public or anything thats enough to warrent himself to feel like he needs to get help. but he definately does need help of some sort because his way of thinking and the constant guilt and shame he feels is just something thats normal to him now. hes just tired and a bit worn down, but its not like anything is exceptionally bad, since humans are surprisingly adaptable and hes just lived with feeling like hes an embarassment who disappoints people his entire life so its norm.

Tengoku obviously doesnt mean it in the way aoki is taking is. but its things like this that make the themes feel well interwoven to me. Aoki doesnt look tengoku in the eye and say "i have mommy issues and feel like being an embarassment is the reason i cant be loved" but he still shows it in a way that we the audience can see he means, since we can put together aoki's lifestyle and viewpoint from his inner dialogues and flashbacks to his mother's abuse. Aoki wants more than anything else to be a good boy because only good boys can be loved. and unfortunately for aoki san this kind of means he has developed a praise kink and good boy fetish which tengoku just naturally leans towards so erm haha tengoku just pushing those buttons all willy nilly!

Tengoku isnt an idiot though, as he pursues aoki he can definately connect the dots and all that shit for how aoki ticks. This isnt exactly hard to do anyways, since aoki passively talks about himself to tengoku during non crazy scenes and its not like hes an enigma or anything because again, he thinks that the way he lives is completely normal for a guy like him. Tengoku likes aoki and chases him and aoki isnt exactly a willing participant. Tengoku likes aoki because hes a fun plaything and interesting and pure hearted and everything tengoku is not and aoki begins to form an affection for tengoku because he itches the mental illness brain damage spot by pursuing and wanting him consistently and not getting bored.

These panels are true brain damage pages because it hits upon how all aoki wants is for someone to look at him directly and still want him. His greatest wish (that he doesnt even believe could come true at the bottom of his heart) is to have someone that could see him for who he is and despite all his flaws. despite how hes useless, despite how hes not good at anything (to him), despite how hes bad at relationships, despite how he cant talk with other people, and despite what an embarassment he is, still love and want him. Seriously, I must recommend you to read this for yourself. Theres the yaoi bullshit sludge but every chapter has bits and pieces of Aoki's mindset that is an insanely good representation and depiction of how that kind of mentality and acceptance is like.

Volume 2 is where things really pick up. Yaoi sludge has been toned down to make way for FUCKING SWAG!!!! the set up for aoki's mentality is done now were onto getting into the way tengoku and aoki's personalities actually interact with eachother. Along with dipping into tengokus crazy bitch syndrome

Over this volume, were shown that actually aoki and tengoku are a good match for eachother. At least, tengoku provides something special for aoki in that he doesnt know from personal experience the feeling of needing to earn love, but because of that he bounces off well with aoki because he shows basic interest in going "well your feelings and thoughts do matter though. youre a person too". this isnt explicitly said, but its little things liks this that end up making aoki fall in love with him. Aoki falling in love with tengoku is also interesting because this is his first time actively liking someone else because its what he wants, not because its what the other person expects. Despite how terrible their relationship was at first, it set a ground where Aoki was able to create a strong connection with someone without the initial fear of disappointing them since he even didnt like tengoku at first. Honestly with the way Aoki is I think that is why hes able to love tengoku out of his volition, since he already has shown his shameful parts to him and tengoku still wants him-- in fact tengoku is the only person who has seen Aoki's shame and refused to let him go, this lets Aoki take a breather and think about what HE desires for once instead of how to keep someone with him or do whats good for the other person/not shameful.

Also a new teacher is introduced who actually is one of the many guys Tengoku had play-boyed before who became a teacher just so he could try to win tengokus love lol. but he serves as a plot device for that yaoi jealousy arc WOOOHOOOO! I love the jealousy chapter a lot though because BOTH CHARACTERS experience jealousy in their own way. I'm not sure if what Aoki experiences can be classified under jealousy or not, but ill just say it is because thats easier. The chapter is wonderfully done though because see Tengoku has always been the one who chases Aoki but also the one who reminds him that he doesnt fall in love this is just a sex playboy thing. Aoki is the one who has fallen in love and does show this by treating Tengoku specially, but Tengoku obviously doesnt reciprocate this since the way he acts at least is more like Aoki is his favorite of a bunch of toys rather than his one and only like how Aoki sees him. Aoki feels bitterness over this because he wishes he could be loved by Tengoku since Tengoku is somewhat wishy washy and gives Aoki just enough to keep hope but also smushes that hope by refusing a drop more. (this is done though bc this is fucking yaoi ofc tengoku loves aoki to bits and pieces back but tengoku is just scared of liking aoki too much and showing it too much but hold on we havent gotten to tengokus insanity yet jeeeesus christ!). Also im kind of at the tumblr 10 image limit but I think showing these next three pages are really important so ermm me when i post this and then add a reblog or two with MORE BULLSHIT. I'll properly tag the versions with my reblogs

[bardinthezone]

Night Vale and the Power of Stories

So I’ve been losing my mind about this latest arc. Full hyperfixation. Studying for finals? Calling my parents? Enjoying other hobbies? Eating?? Who’s she, never heard of her. There is only the “#wtnv spoilers” tag.

Anyways, inspired primarily by this post, this post, and this post, I have been thinking about Night Vale as a place of stories.

Night Vale is a deeply weird place. It is a place where all the crazy conspiracies and contradictions and creepy crawlies can coexist (try saying that 5 times fast), and it is built on stories.

We know from “109: A Story About Huntokar” that Huntokar singlehandedly saved the town from nuclear destruction in 1983. This in and of itself is beautiful, tragic, terrifying and wonderful (I could write a whole essay on the lasting effects of the Cold War on the American psyche and how that’s impacted our media, but that’s not what this post is about). But what Huntokar says in describing this moment is fascinating: “ The people of Night Vale huddled, waiting for the end to their story.” The use of the word “story” here is so poignant and poetic. This was her town, a narrative she had lovingly followed since its inception, with an ever rotating cast of characters, finally seeming as though it would come to an end. And yet she managed to continue their story. The people of Night Vale, of every alternate universe Night Vale, are kept alive because Huntokar wanted to keep the narrative going. It is a town kept alive-- inverted and shattered and bizarre, but alive-- because someone saw the tale coming to an end and wasn’t satisfied with that. Night Vale is a place of stories.

And Cecil. Cecil Gershwin-Palmer is such a wonderful enigma. He’s a deeply troubled man, he’s the town’s beloved radio host, he is the voice of Night Vale. As the town’s only (?) regular source of news, he carries incredible weight in shaping the public’s perception of reality. It is his radio show that keeps the people informed through all of these earth-shattering events-- it is Cecil who, for as goofy and cringefail (thank you @bigcommunist for that phrase) as he can be, has been responsible for keeping his citizens safe. In “227: A Word With Dr. Jones,” Dr. Janet Lubelle notes that one of his traits is “town leadership.” When Cecil speaks, things happen. He rallies the people, against Strexcorp or the Beagle Puppy or Steve Carlsberg and his dry, dry scones. Hell, he says “weather” and everyone stops, or sometimes (Like in “204: Audition”) it literally saves his life. @lostboywriting raises a fascinating theory about Cecil having inadvertently brought the Faceless Old Woman into existence through his repression of his complicated relationship with his mother-- and while this contradicts with the backstory presented in "The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives Inside Your Home," who’s to say that both origins can’t be true, with how splintered and fractured Night Vale’s existence (and especially relation to time) is? Perhaps Cecil, as the Voice Of Night Vale, is capable of changing the world more than he knows.

Either way, this is why Dr. Lubelle’s Explaining of the town has so much of a tangible effect on it-- because she’s coming in and using something “empirical” to change the narrative. That is why she’s so threatening-- because how do you argue with the facts? How do you argue with science? She is using logic to insist that her reality is right, that these stories and poetics used to keep the town alive are meaningless. That it would be better for them to not exist than to exist outside her narrative. She said it herself-- she cannot imagine that anyone thinks differently to herself about anything, and she is all to happy to provide any who disagrees with an Explanation. No matter the cost.

In 227, Cecil remarks that “Science is not good or bad, as language is not good or bad, as religion is not good or bad, because humans are not inherently good or bad.” This sets up a fascinating play between science, language, and religion that I think is perfectly encapsulated by Dr. Lubelle, representing science, Cecil, representing language, and Huntokar, representing religion. Whether she knows it or not, Dr. Lubelle is directly undoing all of the hard work of Huntokar, and attempting to use Cecil as the most powerful tool at her disposal.

And this works in conjunction with my distinction of the What vs. the Why. We can take the incursion point of November 7th, 1983, and view it through both lenses. From Huntokar’s perspective, we get the Why: Night Vale was in danger, and it needed saving, so she saved it. But from Dr Lubelle’s perspective, we just get the What: Night Vale was the target of a nuclear missile. Nuclear missiles are unstoppable by any force known to science. This is a town that should have been empty for 40 years.

I posit a world in which Dr. Lubelle reduces Night Vale to what it “should be:” A town ruined by nuclear destruction. The empirical facts, the anchors that held Night Vale down to reality, the threads that Huntokar broke-- Dr. Lubelle is seeking to tie them back together. And with the Voice of Night Vale on her side, Explained and ready to share the Truth, of course she can make that happen. Perhaps Huntokar takes center stage again to show that science is not the end-all-be-all. Perhaps Carlos steps in to replace Dr. Lubelle as the Scientist in this equation, to provide a good alternative to her callous methods. 

Or I could be totally off-base with that prediction. I imagine the bodies being dug up in the sand wastes and the murals of flesh will play a major role in the finale. Maybe she’ll uncover the splintered realities of Night Vale and won’t know how to explain them away. Hell, people keep hyping up a Desert Bluffs return, what with the Sandstorm tapes and the talk of doubles-- Maybe Kevin and Lauren will be the “religion” in the triumvirate, and drive Dr. Lubelle mad with their unrelenting fervor. Who knows? I have my theories, but I’m just excited to see where this all goes.

.

Also from a meta perspective, this is 100% harkening back to all those early-days fan theories that “Night Vale is a normal town and Cecil is just off his rocker” (Thanks @maxgicalgirl for that one!). Welcome To Night Vale is a show that has never been about continuity and tight lore-- it’s about spinning a fun narrative, it’s about the poetry, the music, the aesthetics; it’s about everything that Dr. Lubelle HATES. From a meta perspective, Dr. Lubelle is every theorist who tries to ruin the magic of a story, who nitpicks it endlessly because it doesn’t adhere to how the “real world” functions. She doesn’t care about why story elements are included, she just needs what’s included to adhere to her worldview. And I can’t wait to see her get taken down, no matter how it happens.

Thanks again to @maxgicalgirl, @lostboywriting, @eclipse-song​, and everyone who’s been sharing their thoughts about the latest arc on tumblr. I would not be writing this without y’all!!

[goodfully]

what another insane cliffhanger... my goodness, okay finished with the second book!!!! i just need to ramble a bit.

since i just finished it, i have thoughts on nino.. tbh i was quite fond of him initially but then he got increasingly unbearable haha the way he... says to lenu that since childhood he imagined a life where he, lenu, and lila would be together, and then.. uhm wow..! where the hell does he go! hahaha well maybe ill feel differently about him in the next book.

ngl tho, esp during that part with the elena/lila/nino drama, i was so stressed.. it just kept going!!! and kept feeling like so much!!!! wow. i had just kept thinking that theyd all best sit down and be honest with their feelings for each other and then form a poly relationship and run away together or something idk hahaha

okay i think one of my most favorite things about this book is how important every character feels. obviously we have lenu and lila, but like the rest of the cast?? they were not just some random childhood friends mentioned in the first book, they all are growing up too and are experiencing lives of their own. i think this book, more than in the first book, showed a lot of parent/child relationships, mm like how much we fear to become our parents.. to be inevitably trapped in the same fate as theirs. its in my mind a lot, about how much the things that happened to my own parents affect me. ahh elenas relationship with her mother.. despite how badly she wishes to not become like her mother, i think she does see her strength and her care for her... (oh god, like when she was sick and her mom comes out of nowhere?? and i think she was torn between feeling embarrassed by her and how capable her mother really was) oh and things like both antonio and ada becoming in different ways like their mother, stefano resembling don achille, lila fearing her son will be stupid, etc and ofc also just... the weight on all of their shoulders to.. hurry up and grow up? ahh. ///tw death tw suicide/// for the peluso siblings to witness their father be literally dragged out their house in front of them for allegedly murdering another man, hearing about his death in prison, busting the door down and seeing their mother hang herself. for the cappuccio siblings to only have their mother, who needed her children to care of her and her mental state more than she could take care of them. hhhh

that reminds me, the whole book i was hoping for more enzo content hahaha we really barely know anything about him at this point but i adore him. and he is there now! altho i wonder how much more we'll hear of him in the next books.

oh yeah, lila talking crazily about educating all the children to make a change starting with their generation... just like me for real... this is pretty much the main reason i studied early education hahaha its silly now when i think about it, but i used to feel like my skull was breaking from how much i felt i needed to find a way to take care and educate of all the children in the world in order to make some sort of difference... to find a way to get every single child to experience love and care from a loving and caring family... god. anyway i mean i still do believe that taking care of and educating the young ppl of our generation can change the world somehow, but it was just rather.. sad? seeing lila go crazy about her son and her very real fear for her son, that he might become like her and her family, unable to escape violence and poverty.

all this talk about a book centered on elena and not a single word about lenu yet ahhh my bad! oh i want to talk about her years at the university, and... gosh. just knowing you just lack something that your classmates from a rich family and background have that youll never have... even tho she quite literally graduated with top scores, she never felt fully capable? never felt enough? the need to work so hard to suppress herself in order to be okay in that city?? aghfh

alright, the ending! with her realizing that her novel (that she described as something that was truly hers to pietro) was basically born out of and deeply connected to lilas blue fairy book... god!!!!! what the hell!!!!! my goodness. she quite literally describes how theyre soulmates, how theyre connected by an invisible thread, how much they mustnt lose each other anymore. and when they finally met again and she finally realizes that "in the world there is nothing to win, that her life was full of varied and foolish adventures as much as mine, and that time simply slipped away without any meaning, and it was good just to see each other so often to hear the mad sound of the brain of one echo in the mad sound of the brain of the other." sobs. i think throughout most of the book, i so desperately wanted the two of them to just... be okay and stop being in constant war with themselves for each other.. but anyway wow, even tho for this second book the two of them arent with each other most of the time, the way their relationship is so hhhhh described so well and is always relevant, its so real wow its so real.

okay done... mm i was thinking that lenu is probably the more relatable character, but i think i identify a lot more with lila? not really bc of her life or the way acts, but the way she thinks maybe? the way she feels about ppl? idk actually, but its probably affecting the way im reading the series. mm starting tmr i wont have as much time as i do now to read, but im hoping i get through the next two books before the end of next month at least!

[loiswasadevil]

So your mom and you left your dad and the off-grid together? Where did you part ways? How old were you? I’m not trying to be rude just asking because I think it’s very interesting. I know you don’t like to think about your past but it made you who you are today and maybe you wouldn’t be able to shift realities as easily if anything in your life had been different. You might not see eye to eye with your mom and she might not understand you and you might not understand her, but she did a good thing taking you away from your dad. That’s a hard thing to do after another child passes. I just hope that, if nothing else happened in your relationship that made it difficult to have a relationship with her, maybe one day you can reconcile. She might not be perfect but if not for her leaving with you you could still be living in the Stone Age with your crazy dad. It’s like Lois and her father. He’s not a good guy or a good dad but she still values their relationship.

Yes. I'm not revealing my age and location for safetey reasons Sorry. I think my Reality shifting "ability" (anyone can reality shift) comes from my Strong connection to my Kin. Yes my mother did a good thing by letting me escape off grid but That doesn't undo years of mistreatment She knew i Didn't want to live with her Because of our life my entire Childhood. She hated Family Guy Too but she loved us More But I know deep down she resented Jonas and I for our Love of Adult Cartoons at such a young age. No that isn't the only thing that I was mad at her for But I don't talk about that on my blog because its personal and over my entire life. She moved me in away from her and She would check in on me A little and then she Didn't check in on me anymore Because we got into a fight A really long time ago So I haven't talked to her in years and I don't know where she is so That's why I dont know anything about her and I'm glad she's out of my life. Lois knows she can't alienate Carter and babs from her Life Forever She needs a Mothers love and Carter's Financial support and its not fair to rid the children of their relationship with their grandkids so I take them to see them But i know I never have to see my Parents again in this universe, Its why I shift to see Carter and Babs sometimes. The Reality is that None of you know about my life aside from the little i've told on this blog.

[dykelawlight]

hello!! could i ask your top 5 books and/or movies?

ABSOLUTELY and I'm happy to do both of these tbqh. EDIT: SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT BC THIS GOT VERY LONG SORRY. I'm literally putting it under a cut

BOOKS

This one takes its ceremonial place at the top because of how completely batshit it made me for years: Les liaisons dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos (and its 1988 film adaptation starring Glenn Close and John Malkovich). Like nothing compares 2 U babe. Eighteenth-century French aristocrats play sexual games with the lives of the people around them. They are so evil and so fucked and so completely incapable of ever achieving happiness because of how tied what they think happiness is is to the misery of others.

[[[VERY VERY LOUDLY]]] Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield!!!!!!!!!! Oooohhhh it haunts me so bad. Fucked-up came-back-wrong lesbian romance about two wives, told through alternating-perspective chapters, one of whom returns from an accidentally long-extended submarine mission at her job doing marine biology for a mysterious bureaucracy. Most importantly this is a tragic portrait of a marriage and its dissolution. First book to make me put my hand over my mouth irl in easily 10 years.

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones, an Indigenous horror that ends up being about Indigenous womanhood, even though its initial principal characters are men. Four Blackfoot friends go on an illegal hunt in territory reserved for elders and kill a pregnant deer, promising to atone for the killing by using every part of her body. Meat rots in a freezer somewhere. The Elk-Head Woman shows up. Features the most thrilling game of life-or-death basketball ever played.

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado. Makes me literally go crazy. Everyone's heard of this one by now but it's a prismatic prose-poetic series of pictures turned over and over and over through different forms of criticism and media tropes of the author's abusive relationship with another woman. Everyone liked Her Body and Other Parties and that was great but this is somehow better.

Chouette by Claire Oshetsky, in which a woman called Tiny by her husband's family has an affair with an owl-woman under cover of dusk and gives birth to an owl-baby who will never be quite "right." Husband becomes hooked on chasing dangerous, abusive forms of "therapy" to make the child "normal." Very straight-up allegory for raising an autistic child as a parent who refuses to subject them to medical abuse in the pursuit of neurotypicality. Cheered and stomped my feet at the end.

(Honorable mentions here: The Immortal King Rao by Vauhini Vara [very scary and timely], The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan [extremely relevant to my line of work], Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente [thought this was the most erotic book ever written in human history when I was 17]).

MOVIES (in no particular order)

House (1977): the jangled, nightmarish logic of this movie is so perfect, the visuals are perfect, it's just the right cocktail of zany and actually frightening. It also has so much to say about like, so much shit, and I refuse to be the guy who's like "following my post of yesterday about how this work of Japanese horror is about nuclear warfare, please see my new post about how THIS work of Japanese horror is about nuclear warfare" but like. It is. As dreamed up through the mind of the director's preteen daughter.

The Watermelon Woman (1996): incredibly richly layered work about a Black lesbian living in 90s Philadelphia (a fictionalized version of the director) who becomes obsessed with seeking out and making a movie about the history of a 1930s "mammy" actress she believes may have been a lesbian. It is 100% fictional but is so extraordinarily detailed and convincing and weaves such a believable life for the figure the protagonist is chasing. DOES contain a Camille Paglia jumpscare. (See also Cheryl Dunyé's earlier film Go Fish (1994), a lighthearted lesbian romance featuring an extremely sexy nailcutting-as-foreplay scene.)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019): so, so beautiful and pierced me straight through. I like old French shit and lesbians and I loved the images of the movie and the world it put me in. SUE MEEEEE

Velvet Goldmine (1998): I have done some downright unseemly shit immediately after watching this movie is what I'll say about it. Horny supernatural glam-rock romance "loosely" based on David Bowie & Iggy Pop as cultural figures featuring gay people as the bearers of a magical spirit of art passed down through generations. Again. UNSEEMLY. SHIT.

Heavenly Creatures (1994): [chanting] LESBIAN MATRICIDE MOVIE LESBIAN MATRICIDE MOVIE LESBIAN MATRICIDE MOVIE. Dreamy, hallucinogenic take on a true-crime flick about that fucked-up homoerotic folie à deux friendship you had when you were 15.

(MORE honorable mentions bc this was so hard: Persona (1966), Gone Girl (2014), Only Lovers Left Alive (2013), Bound (1996)).

[loveyourlovelysoul]

You don’t have to answer this but how long have you been trying to heal yourself maybe it’ll help me not feel so alone in my journey

Hey! I will answer you ofc, I don't have anything to hide. But... (I may be using "you" as a general you/y'all next)

First of all, I want you to keep in mind that there's not a fixed time-frame when it comes to healing, nor there's an age in which we do that. It's not like school and you need to start and end it in a certain amount of years/at a certain age to be considered "right" and "on time". There's not such a thing here. It takes the time you need as your own person: it depends on each one of us and our stories and how we deal with our feelings about our past in our present. And how it all reflects on our future (and anxieties about it). Honestly, it reasonably can take A LOT to reach a kinda mentally stable point, if you take a look at all this. I mean, it's BIG. You don't have to feel less or guilty if according to you it's taking you more than you thought or that you're supposed to. It's okay: also because the more you feel like you're needing to rush things or get to an end (I know it's painful but please hang in there and keep being patient cause it's gonna end, I promise you), or you feel inferior to others as they seem in a better position than you (you don't know their story nor when they started/how anyway, so please do not compare: surely there's someone who is feeling the same as you or about you even), the more stressed you'll be and the longer the process will take. The more we try to close chapters fastly with our past, to say "Okay I'm done here, next one", the more we'll find new triggers about the "same old thing"TM. And it's okay: to really understand, accept and realize what we went through, takes a lot of time and patience. It's not something we can learn and close over night. When it comes to our feelings it's never so. We may be spending, for example, months over a friend that moved on and suddenly disappeared from our life, pretending we didn't care (but the more we pretend and tell ourselves we don't care, the more it stays in our mind and heart), and that's okay: it means we need to realize something about that connection that we cannot accept and probably it's not just how it ended, but also something related to how it was, how we felt both on good days and bad days while we were in that friendship... and maybe move on to other relationships in our life, starting from the one with our parents and our classmates, other friends, colleagues, crushes, partners... What's the main issue there and how it moves inside of us? Feelings are complex, they also rot inside of us for years and years and grow with us, get mixed up with new ones, similar ones, different ones... it's crazy. But it's how it is. We cannot stop growing or making experiences before healing. We keep living also while healing (we have to). And we cannot start healing if we don't feel the need to.

And it's not an easy job to heal and also healing doesn't mean not being triggered anymore and being all good and great all the time: it means you start learning how to recognize your triggers and let them control you everyday a little less. Even on those days in which those stressing emotions will still get to you, you won't try to fight them but accept that those are just days as others, and they will pass too. You simply accept that you're tired/overwhelmed for any reason and that you can control your mind and decide what's best for you, so you take care of you, and try to be more compassionate and patient, and maybe take a break without feeling guilty. You're more open about your needs and find ways to meet them. And you know you can afford your trigger another time, you can talk with your mind, you feel more and more balanced. Life will always be made of positive and negative. It's how it is. And taking time to accept both of its sides and don't let the negative take over us and make us fall, is the thing we need to keep doing first and foremost. Also inside of us: we too are made both of bright and dark parts, and the dark parts need as much love too as they'r egenerally the hurt and scared parts of us. And taking them out of the dark is not easy, it takes time and gentleness, as with a scared child. It also takes the right moment for both.

Now, I've wrote a lot already so let me answer you :) I've always been someone who tries to understand more of herself and people and life in general, but if I have to say a time in which I told myself "Okay something is pretty wrong here, I do not deserve that and I definitely need to know more of what's behind all of it" I think it's around 2.5-3 years ago. Especially around 2 years ago after a bunch of big tough events in my life. The heavy healing part started there I think.

Anyway pelase do not feel alone. Here it's plenty of people healing, many have been through that for long, even longer than me probably. And even if it feels scary and this idea may make you want to give up, please don't. Keep doing it with patience, balancing healing with your life the best you can (you need time outs from it and talking with people, enjoying too), and I promise it will get faster and even occasionally easier. And it will get slowly better for sure. You'll notice it once you'll start reaching a more balanced emotional situation, but for now, endure through the storm as it will end. I'm here if you need support!

Take care<3

[nedpng]

i have something i have been needing to kinda vent abt and this is my private echo chamber bc i have no clout but also i think enough time has passed for me to be able to talk abt it

in sept 2022 my someone i considered my best friend was arrested for a heinous crime. it quite literally changed my life overnight bc this friend and i had what i considered a great life. they were living in their apartment with their gf, their job sucked but it paid amazing, and they were pretty and popular in various community spaces. i was enjoying my life too bc i enjoyed my job in the mountains, loved my coworkers,my family was having a peaceful period, and i was enjoying being single again after my relationship with that one crazy bitch. the queen died that morning (memes were crazy) and i was driving home from work, excited to smoke weed and lay in bed before my weekend started (my job was a 4/10 at a mental health clinic, so i was off fridays+weekends). and then exbesties gf messaged the gc and told us that exbestie was arrested. i immediately messaged the gf, who i call Roomie when i talk abt her on here, to stay put and i drove over to figure out what happened. everything was confusing and there was a lot of information that wasnt lining up. two of our other friends came over and for support and after talking we put the pieces together and realized that whatever exbestie was arrested for… was probably actually true. (in the spring of 2023 they ended up being convicted and found guilty on two counts of … crimes against a minor ☹️)

Roomie n i ended leaning on eachother for a lot of support (i was the bsf and she was the gf). we ended up having romantic feelings for eachother and i honestly struggled with it at first bc i felt like i was betraying my best friend (exbestie is dead to me now). Roomie ended up having a housing crisis bc the income was gone bc exbestie is in jail. we were both having mental health issues and are frankly traumatized by the event. craziness ensued, i lived in that apartment with Roomie for a few months before i had to move us in with my parents (both my parents ended up sick and needing different surgeries and were out of work for months). more chaos bc my parents (dad) are controlling and emotionally abusive. roomie had a mental health crisis and had to be hospitalized for a while last summer. covid hit the house. ive been dealing with untreated pstd. my beloved childhood cat passed away. holidays were tense and sad. i struggled with feeling motivated or hopeful or happy for a long time because of everything.

anyways … currently roomie n i are in love and living with my parents. its not easy and we want to plan to save up and move out again, so we are taking small steps at a time. its hard to feel motivated or have any hope at all, but i love Roomie very much and being with her fills me with happiness and joy and i daydream (with limits) about the day we move out of my parents place and get to be together in our own space and free to live how we want. i have a lot of debt due to my massive manic episode in 2019 but im taking small steps to crawl out of it. anyways

[sortasirius]

You know, anyone that knows me knows how much I love these games. The first game I purchased when I finally got a PlayStation was TLOU, I took multiple days off of work to play Part II. These games mean so, so much to me.

And yeah, I didn’t really think the show would fail, just with the creative team (I am also obsessed with Craig Mazin’s Chernobyl miniseries), the studio, and the cast.

But really, this episode blew even my high expectations out of the water.

Let’s get into it.

First things first: I said this the moment he was cast, and I was right. Pedro Pascal was destined to play Joel.

The very beginning was very Craig Mazin, a cool way to set up the eventual outbreak without our characters having to talk about it.

I cried at the intro which is not surprising lmao.

The level of detail is phenomenal, how Sarah is caring for Joel just like Joel cares for her. I especially loved the dynamic they had. He was very much her dad, but because he had her so young, you could tell they grew up together in a way, and there was a friendship almost, a camaraderie there that most parent/child relationships don’t have.

I will say, I’m from outside of Austin and live in Austin now. That is not how the skyline looked in 2003 lmao. But the old Cap Metro bus?????? Literally only a small percentage of people would pick up on that and I sure did.

I also like that we followed Sarah at first, and could see that she knew that something was up on outbreak day.

The old woman turning behind her while she was looking at the movies? Now THAT is the horror I was looking for.

CURTIS AND VIPER!!!!

Loved the scene of Joel coming home and the watch. It’s such a lovely scene in the game, and I felt like they just added to it with the show.

It’s amazing how much I loved this Sarah. Of course I love Sarah in the game, but Nico did SUCH an amazing job with limited screen time. She was phenomenal.

Tommy getting arrested and sent to the downtown jail. Lmao. My king.

Sarah finding those people in the house was absolutely horrifying. 10/10 no notes.

There are so many homages to the game, the show takes on a life of its own but there were so many times where I was pointing to the screen because I recognized something from the game.

The sound design is also completely insane, it sounded real and my tv is not new lol.

Look, I have played and watched TLOU nearly a hundred times at this point. I knew what was coming, but man, it was like watching Sarah die for the first time all over again.

Nico’s obvious, gut wrenching pain coupled with Pedro’s raw and unendurable grief took that scene to a place I didn’t know it could go. And I cry every time I play the prologue.

They did a great job with the QZ, with the harsh reality of the inside and the terror everyone has of the outside. I’ll be interested to see if we find out who the kid who wandered into the zone was.

Tess. My beloved. That’s all.

I really can’t wait to find out more about Tommy and Joel. Because obviously they’re still in contact (which is markedly different from the game), but there still seems to be some sort of falling out there from his involvement with the Fireflies. Also interesting that Joel and Tess are actively trying to leave the zone to find him.

The game only hinted at it, so I’m glad they put so much focus on Tess being the boss. Also big spoon Tess? Please and thank you.

Bella is so fucking amazing as Ellie. Her intro is PERFECT.

I love that they kept Merle as Marlene, it was just cool to hear her and see her there. And she and Ellie’s scene was so great, it’s crazy to think that that (unless something huge changes in the show from the game) is the last time they see each other.

They did a really good job of cutting things I think. We didn’t really need to see them going to find Robert, it was more of a point to point for potential gameplay, but they still managed to bring him in in an interesting way, especially because Joel and Tess aren’t the ones to kill him in the show.

Pedro and Bella’s immediate chemistry. As if you needed more reasons to be obsessed with this casting.

SO cool to know that Tess and Joel know Frank as well as Bill, I can’t wait to meet them.

The scene of them in the apartment, nearly an exact replica of the game. Thanks I cried again.

The moment where Joel is protecting Ellie from the soldier, and it flashes back to him holding Sarah moments before he lost her. Neil Druckmann and Craig Mazin I am kissing you both on the mouth.

And ending with a clicker noise. Perfect.

It’s like…kind of unbelievable how good it is. It’s one of those things that could have felt like a copy of the game, or lacking major beats, but they somehow managed to make it feel completely new and yet not lose any of the beauty that the game had.

I literally cannot wait for next Sunday, where I will be glued to my tv once again, waiting to see Ellie and Joel.

[delirium-mind]

How did you find out that you also like girls. Was it hard for you to accept that part of you?

It was always something that was kind of there. When I grew up and hit that stage that we all do where we start to be curious sexually, I was exposed to erotica type blogs and stories because ya know...parents didn't monitor us. But anyways, I found stories about girls having their first lesbian experiences. And it fascinated me, but I always kept it a secret and never really..I guess acknowledged what that part of me was or that it was real. As I've grown up its popped up here and there in various was (my attraction to women) and I had a few very minor experiences. I still wouldn't really acknowledge it though, I kept only really considering men. But I reached this point where ..I'm not sure. I guess I saw it around me enough that it was so normalized. It stopped feeling like a dirty secret I've had since I was a child and just felt like..yeah I love people and that can also include women.

It was definitely..confusing and difficult. I was raised in a household in a time where I wasn't always aware of what it was to be gay, and when I first learned what gay was it was..scandalous taboo..wrong or dirty. I have a gay cousin, and it just wasn't something we ever really acknowledged. And behind his back, or when he stirred up trouble (he did a lot, nothing to do with being gay) his gayness was used to be a mark against him. Even when eventually I did theatre and befriended many gay people, even my family befriending some of them...still gayness was not something truly accepted to be ok. Still people would support anti gay politics and beliefs. So it felt like a dirty shameful thing for a long time that I had these feelings. I kept them to myself for so many years and never really explored them for ages. I just felt like I had so many different pressures from everyone to fit a mold, an idea they had of who I should be and I was constantly breaking every single one of them and being such a disappointment. The disappointment was always ill recieved. I couldn't wear what I wanted, my self expression and discovery was completely controlled and cut off. I wasn't about to also add this to that mix. I lived online though, IMVU and shit. I had several long distance relationships, which did include women. It took years of my adult life to really figure out who I am and in truth I feel like I'm still settling in.

Theres obviously the stigma and prejudice, especially from older generations and family. People being scared of unknown, different, unpredictable or what they believe to be so horribly offensive to their own religious beliefs. I grew up in a very complicated and abusive household so I was also in no hurry to make anything worse. But I was also so used to being rejected or whatever for other parts of myself. I'm short, I have big boobs, eczema..crazy hair. Piercings. Colorful hair. Tattoos. I dress differently, I have always been different, in a million different ways and I guess I finally was like.. fuck it. A million and one wont mean shit.

I think that accepting I was attracted to women, and that it was ok ..was more about accepting that some people wouldn't agree, and that it was still ok anyways. That I am not here to please others. My purpose is to please myself, to do what makes me happy not what makes others feel comfortable.

It was hard because of the insecurity, the fear of others reactions or possible rejection of me. In the end of it all, your happiness is yours and it's all about what makes you feel good and happy. Not what others will judge to be right or wrong. And if you, or I kept/continue to live in fear of that, refusing to love and accept and embrace these parts of ourselves..then we will be destroying our own potential for love and joy. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who disagrees with your choices. Do not let them ruin your happiness. We all already have so much struggle and pain, don't add to it unnecessarily. Love is magic, and everybody deserves it.

**addition

I also have several health problems. I almost died, several times. The first at 15. I became aware of my own mortality very early and how important and fragile my my life is. How easy it can disappear, and how much I felt like I almost missed out ever having the chance to feel or do or see or say. Suddenly pleasing others started to matter less and less. In the grandscheme...the opinions of others hardly mean shit. Especially when most of the time they aren't going to stick around when I need a safe place, protection or support..so on and so on. And as for family or specifically parents..their job is to love you. Unconditionally. If they cant love and accept me as I am, thats their failure. Not mine.

[khodorkovskaya]

20.08.23

lots of things to tell you guys!

crazy church drama! the girls are fighting!!!

lucien is in montenegro and im jealous

i got skinnyshamed at a buffet

i went to a really interesting presentation about eco-architecture

mum's birthday

so number 1. father emilian was looking rough today, he was all sweaty and not looking his best. but i was like me too king, i wore a linen dress and sweated all over it and it was v visible and v embarrassing but hey it's 38 degrees today who cares.

but anyway yeah, he was looking rough.

and at the end when he was giving his little speech he said that something happened that touched his heart to the core. apparently someone created a different orthodox parish and he was not invited! someone literally opened another orthodox church and doesn't want to be friends with him! i mean its giving martin luther.

so basically someone created a ukrainian orthodox facebook group. and it's all against the law and it's all heresy and they sing the ukrainian national anthem during mass. and father emilian was like "brothers and sisters in christ, why do you hate us?" and he had to take a break during his speech cos he started crying. and i was like oh my god the girls are fighting.

and he was like "yeah, we're friends with the ethiopian orthodox church. we're all brothers in christ despite our skin colour and we're friendly. and these guys didn't even invite us. we should all be friends!" so yeah he was very upset.

but then again, not that i don't trust father emilian. but he's a bit of a drama queen. so i wonder what really happened behind the scenes. and he's not russian himself. so like. whats all this drama about then.

anyway, yeah. dramaaaa

2. would you believe it, lucien is in montefuckingnegro! yeah! where my father lives! that would be such an epic crossover omg.

and here's the thing. i have a conspiracy that it's all his wife's plan to spite me.

because look.

when lucien and i went to skating camp she was really upset. their whole divorce drama thing started because he paid for me to go to skating camp. and we like went together and met his parents and all. and she was really upset and rightfully so.

when i was there i filmed a music video to "sanjam" by lepa brena. and lepa brena and i go way back. i am her number one fan, i love her, she's my queen. and i love all the turbofolk girlies, i know my balkan herstory. like. budva is my 2nd home okay. i have a deep and twisted relationship with the balkans. im not a fake fan, you know?

so i posted that music video. and literally last week lucien's wife starts posting turbofolk girlies on her story. she posted seka aleksic with the caption "need me a retreat in the balkans" and girl come on, thats what i would post!

and two days later, guess where she is??? at the seka aleksic concert in budva!

like girlie just discovered turbofolk and now she's touring the balkans. im not saying she did it to spite me. but like i am the number one balkans fan, okay? a balkanboo if you will. and it hurts to see others living your dream.

anyway, im happy for her i guess.

3. so we went to this event organised by a political party. and they had a buffet with like salads and meats and cheeses and stuff. so i was there with my plate and the lady serving me looked at me and said "oh you must be vegetarian" and put salad on my plate. and i was like huhhhhh??!!?!?,,,

what's weirder is that she's a medical professional apparently. like. come on im not that skinny. so yeah i didn't say anything, except like "haha no, could i have some meat too please". but panda wanted to tell her off.

4. so yeah about the political party event, there was a presentation about eco architecture and it was so fascinating! i sat there with my mouth open. like it was so interesting. it was about how we can build energy efficient and even energy positive houses and it's cheaper that way too. and the guy also talked about the golden ratio and geobiology and i was like oh my god is it too late to be an architect i want to be an architect.

5. it was mum's birthday yesterday! we went to yvoire in france and walked around and had dinner there. i ate so much omg. it was so good!